Oh, how I long to be carefree.

Hi! It's been amazingly many months since my lastest post. Yes, I've been very busy ever since, and well I didn't really have a thing to be discussed yet. But now I have. Oh, fuck grammar. Setelah menjejakkan kaki di negara paman Sam ini, gue malah makin jago berbahasa tanah air, Indonesia. Bukannya makin jago nulis dlm bahasa Inggris malah kosakata bahasa gaul gue nambah. Beuuuuh, kalo kata orang Bandung. Gue udah beberapa kali coba ngepost sebelum ini, eh, tapi cuma ended up in my draft tab. But I guess the people working inside my brain just got bored and needed some time off by expressing how bored they are working inside my brain. And, they want to publish it. Here.

To be honest, it's so much harder to hang out with local people than international people. By international people, I mean others besides American. From what I observed, it is mostly because of the different culture and different slangs, or maybe jokes. Some Americans are friendly enough to be made a friend, but mostly, they only hang out with themselves. I found it easier to be with Asian, especially, or European because we are equally not from US and so we feel the same way, away from home.

Talking about away from home, I miss my home.
I miss the blowing noon breeze that brought along the smell of the sun to my sister's room, which we occupy together.
I miss my little brother and sister.
I miss having them with me and there to laugh with me.
I miss my mom.
I miss having her saying things that, sometimes, hurt my feelings.
I miss her advices.
Well, even though I have Skype (thanks to Skype's CEO that made talking to people in the other half of the world possible), it doesn't feel the same. But the most important thing is, I miss being carefree.

When I was in high school, life was so much easier. To be precise, avoiding fights was so much easier. Unlike here, I used to stay away from any trouble and made myself a shelter to people who was fighting. I listened to their stories, and sometimes if they asked, I gave them little amateur advices. Here, my roles were gone. It is entirely different.

I have this amazing friends with me. Let's say, I'm in an inner circle of girls. The first time I got here, I was already with them. I hung out with them, I played with them, I did homework with them, I took classes with them, I told them my secrets. Just like what girlfriends do. Then comes the problems. I don't know if it was me the problem, or them being overly sensitive.

I understand fully that I'm in their inner circle. Supposedly, I have to hang out with them. But not all the time, right? I have other friends I enjoy hanging out with. In the inner circle, I was just another someone because sometimes I'm quiet and honestly, I'm a boring person to be with unless they can keep me interested all the time. So, instead of being a wallflower, I tried to hang out and mingle with others. I keep seeking a shelter for myself, someone that will make me his/her first priority. But none. I found none. Not even the inner circle.

So last week, I went to a movie with these other friends, and I found someone I like being with. I don't think he feels the same way I do, tho. We watched Pain and Gain that has Dwayne Johnson in it and decided to watch Ironman 3 together the following week. On one day between the Pain and Gain day and Ironman 3 day, one from my inner circle asked me to go with them. Well, it is my flaw to be so forgetful. I said yes to her, when suddenly, I remembered that the other friends asked me out already. On the exact same day. Uh-oh.

So, I tried to go with both of them, but failed miserably. After the movie, I got stuck in my inner circle, being ignored for the rest of the afternoon just because I sat separately with the circle while we were watching the movie. I felt bad enough that I sat separately because there were no space for all of us, so I decided to eat together with them instead of following the others. That time, I really wanted to eat what the others eat because it was cheaper and I was in the mood. But for the sake of the circle, I followed them to eat somewhere more expensive and what I was not really in the mood. As a result, I got ignored by the rest of the because of the seat incident. Well they didn't really show it, but I could tell. Duh, you guys were so obvious! Oh, how I long to be carefree to hang out with anyone I like.

Oh, how I long to be carefree.

That's one drama. Oh, don't worry there's a sequel to that, I'm afraid.

I like this one guy. He's all I ever wanted to be with. He's cute, the cutest of all guys I know, and smart, and interesting, to my account, and carefree, and caring. He cares about me, at some points. But, here comes the but, he seeks appearance, which I obviously don't own. He keeps hanging out with me, doing homework with me, what's more, keeping me wanting and hoping. There's this one time when I learned to let him go, to just take him as not more than just a friend, but he gave me hope. I became more confident than before, but he let me down one more time.

I don't know what to do. Homeless and confused, that's all I am right know. I planned to abstain from seeing him, but I have a class with him this quarter. There's always one thing or the other that kept me hooked to him. Oh, how I hate the fact that you are so lovable.

Is there any way I could tell you that I like you? If there is, does it guarantee that our relationship will stay the same? Oh, how I long to be carefree. Carefree to state whatever I want to.

Oh, how I long to be carefree.

I miss my old life, I miss my family, I miss my home.

Is this what people call homesick?