1. Self-Awareness

Thoughts:
I'm thinking about my future most of the time now. The uncertainty of the future scares me a lot. I don't know who to hold on to. No one really inspires me, and I don't feel like there is anyone that really supports me, except for my mom. She supports me but she doesn't really understand me at times. I'm afraid if there is no university that will accept me, and me coming to the US is a waste of money and time. And that I will only be a burden to my mom. She is my only parent now since my dad's passed away 3 years ago. She's working really hard to gather all the money to pay for my expenses and tuition. But my brain can't seem to work smarter than it was before, like it is.....degrading. My climax point of intelligence was during high school. But then it starts to degrade.....Or is it just because of my laziness?

I'm also thinking about my partner. I haven't found anyone that seem to matter so much to me. Not more than a mere admiration. I like Calvin for now, but it just seems to be a waste of time and energy since he's not even looking at me. Deep down, I know he's not the one, but then some of these bastards inside my head keep telling me that he could be the one too. What about Kevin? He used to like you and you dump 'em. Now you gotta pay for it. I feel like I'm not gonna find my partner in such a short time. Not until I transferred, at least. Or......I'm even afraid to say what's next.

These two things make me consider of being a nun. *sigh*

Feelings:
At the moment, I feel like I'm a worthless son of a bitch. I haven't nailed any academic achievements in the past years, I haven't had any boyfriend in the past years. Which means that there's something wrong with me, either physically or mentally. I'm not improving. My pride, I have put it on the floor just for this Calvin guy. But then again, he didn't look at it and he innocently stepped on it. Now my self-esteem is at its lowest point possible. I can't help it. No one really affects me at the moment. Well, it's the matter of how I want it to be but.....nah. I'm still reeling helplessly in this pit.

Beliefs:
Of course I believe in God. I believe that He will have the best plan possible for me. It's just about time. Now is not the right time, and I believe that I don't need anyone to hold on to right now. I have to find a strength in myself and solidify it as solid as a rock. I have to work extra hard to crawl back up to the top once again and get everything I want. I did once, and I believe I can do it again. I have to improve myself. I believe when the time where I finally get to improve myself, everything will come back to me and I will be able to brace myself against any odds and ends.